My Story

My Story:

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I generally get plenty of questions asked on how and when this feeling  first overcame me. So without flowery grammar I believe you will find it easier if I just break it down.

  1. I was about 12 years of age, staring up and the stars when I first grasped the actual concept of eternity.

  2. For me it resulted in a burning sensation (  Some may interpret is as panic ) that filled the entire base of my brain.

  3. The idea of everything and its meaningless over eternity , stripped me completely of any purpose. I felt trapped in a never ending cycle of despair and emptiness.

Philosophy, Drugs, and all methods of escape… I avoided. Knowing that with time all things are possible, but not necessarily probable. I figured this would be a good life, in order to learn to coexist with whatever this realization was.

I know from those looking at the outside in, they see this as a phobia. For those in the inside looking out, we know this is despair in its purest form. Conquer this beast, and the intent of our being becomes just that much more eternal.

  • I Strongly recommend if you do not know the suffering that those like us have experienced, please do not read through these pages. This is a Pandora’s box you do not want to open.

ScreenHunter_67 Aug. 23 08.21Ralph Turchiano

9 thoughts on “My Story

  1. Ralph et. al,

    I posted this comment on your youtube page but figured I’d copy-paste it here:

    I read an article in the Atlantic about Apeirophobia: http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/09/apeirophobia-the-fear-of-eternity/498368/

    …and it brought me here, because I never knew what the fear of eternity was called. I used to call it “being scared shitless by eternity.”

    Anyway, I’m so glad you are making these videos, because the panic attacks from this fear can be very intense, and I want people to see they are not alone, and are not crazy. Although, I always hoped that I WAS delusional about eternity, and somehow mistaken.

    In a sense, this sudden awakening to eternity is the most true thing we have ever realized, as it puts in perspective all the little things in life which stress us out. However, when the mind conceives of our true eternal nature, it can only be terrified, because the ego-mind looks for salvation in a point in the future, when it will all be ok, we will finally be “There.” Eternity throws a wrench in that comforting fantasy, and renders everything meaningless.

    Good luck to all who suffer with this knowing. It is painful and terrifying, but through the panic periods you will grow and come to find peace with eternity. Also, a book called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle really helped me find some peace.

    The next time I have the panic attack I’ll come here and try to share my experience.

  2. Hello Ralph and others.

    I, too, was a preteen when I had my first episode. I was lying in my bed at night thinking as a usually did. I remember earlier that day my sister had seen a spider and freaked out. She has arachnophobia. I remember thinning how dumb it was for her to be so afraid of spiders or anything in this world. It made me wonder what I was afraid of at the time and it was definitely mice crawling over me.

    This wasn’t an imagined thing, it was something I actually experienced. However, this fear didn’t produce a fear induced stress response in me, it just grossed me out. So I lied in bed wondering what really scares me. I decided quickly that nothing in this world scares me on the level that spiders scare my sister.

    A few nights later lying in bed again, completely out of nowhere my biggest fear just hit me like a building collapsing around me heart: eternity. The idea of doing or being forever in any capacity. For some reason I knew what forever felt like and I didn’t want any part of it. My heart sank, blood rushed all over my body, I starting sweating and breathing heavily, and then something happened that really let me know this was real. I felt like I was about to have my final bowel movement. I am not embarrassed to talk about this and I hope it’s not too forward for others. I literally had to jump out of my bunk bed and run to the bathroom because I all of sudden had to go. I emptied myself.

    When i got back to bed I didn’t know what was happening. Why did this cause such a reaction in me? As soon as I had the thought again I got the same reaction. This continued for years until I was in college and had enough of being forced into this state of fear. I decided it was time to stop reacting like this. Although I could get my body to calm down some, the feeling was still there. Utter despair, depression, anxiety. All of it. I have learned over the years to observe these things in myself without having a fear induced stress response but the feelings are pretty much still there.

    Much like many of you, I thought I was alone. I am happy to know that not only am I not alone, by there are others like Ralph who has validated knowledge to share along this journey.

  3. I am so glad that I found this site. I didn’t even know that this feeling had a word.

    I have been this way forever. My earliest memory was in a car late at night and the moon was huge. I remember staring at the darkness and being overwhelmed with indescribable terror. I collapsed on the floor that night and I remember my parents not having a clue what the hell was going on.

    I think that this stupid fucking thing has basically defined my entire outlook and worldview on life.

    I used to be very religious, like hardcore Calvinist. When I was 13, there was one week where it came relentlessly. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I remember the second that I told myself that I can’t believe in God or an afterlife anymore. The attacks have never been as bad since then.

    I’m not saying that God doesn’t exist (I’m agnostic), but I could never ever believe in an afterlife. Everyone else
    thinks it’s comforting but I think it’s disturbing.

    Everyone else has the luxury of being afraid of spiders or public speaking. I would trade my condition in a heartbeat for anything else. I am convinced that nothing else is this bad. Nothing else sucks the spirit out of you, and nothing else is this utterly inescapable.

    There’s nobody to talk to, and anybody that I’ve attempted to explain it to thought I was afraid of death. No, I’m afraid of endlessness. None of the psychologists understand. I’m not going to claim to be “discriminated” against (there are already enough “victimized” minorities out there), but everyone I have told thinks it’s a joke.

    I hate riding in cars. I hate the sky. I hate the sky so much. There is nothing I hate more than a cloudless deep blue sky. I hate high places and big wide spaces.

    You say that you overcame it by diving right in. I can’t do that. I can’t it handle for more than seconds at a time. If I dived in like you say, I don’t know if I would come out alive.

    I’m saddened to hear that in 6 years you only met 2 other people like this. Are we that small?

    • I know it is the weirdest feeling like myself, when I was just staring at the stars on a dark night. Then in a split second of time, it was like the gates of hell just opened up and I was consumed by it.

      When it comes to immortality, I do not believe most people have a full comprehension of truly what eternal life is either. However, I often wonder if what we experience is the first step to evolving past that psychological Rubicon.

      As a side note:

      Since this site has been up, our numbers have grown to about 20 or 30. Communication at this point amongst them all is still very rare. Primarily because of the fear of triggering an event. In any case, you are welcome to join our Facebook group. No one really posts anything once they join. However, knowing there are others out there who understand what you understand tends to offer a good deal of comfort. 😉

      In any case Ethan.. I’ll be here

      Ralph

      • Ralph,

        I read an article in the Atlantic about Apeirophobia: http://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/09/apeirophobia-the-fear-of-eternity/498368/

        ..and it brought me here, because I never knew what the fear of eternity was called. I used to call it “being scared shitless by eternity.”

        Anyway, I’m so glad you are making these videos, because the panic attacks from this fear can be very intense, and I want people to see they are not alone, and are not crazy. Although, I always hoped that I WAS delusional about eternity, and somehow mistaken.

        In a sense, this sudden awakening to eternity is the most true thing we have ever realized, as it puts in perspective all the little things in life which stress us out. However, when the mind conceives of our true eternal nature, it can only be terrified, because the ego-mind looks for salvation in a point in the future, when it will all be ok, we will finally be “There.” Eternity throws a wrench in that comforting fantasy, and renders everything meaningless. I’m not able to summon the fear at this moment, so I can’t speak from present-moment experience. But, if I was in that state now, I would be too sick and panicked to write this

        Good luck to all who suffer with this knowing. It is painful and terrifying, but through the panic periods you will grow and come to find peace with eternity.

        My name is Ethan but I’m another Ethan, not the one who wrote the post you responded to.

        Very glad I found this site.

        • ” In a sense, this sudden awakening to eternity is the most true thing we have ever realized,”

          That in itself is the most truthful of statements. I am glad you pursued this subject beyond what was published in a well-meaning magazine, yet not fully evolved in its perspective. Existence/Eternity are in themselves related but separate. Please forgive the math analogy here, but one is an open subset of a greater undefinable closed set. Human evolution to this point as an unfortunate collective consciousness has not evolved past the point of perception of life and death being no more than a series of linear closed sets. i.e. Genesis, Armageddon, Eternal Heaven/Hell you know that kind of stuff.

          In fact, if you step back as an observer it is a little sad. Yet each person is open and free to define their own purpose in conjunction with existence, meaning there is no wrong or right way to be. Keep in mind though, that does not mean that an individual action is free from the perception and reaction of other players. Yet I digress 😉

          “I’m not able to summon the fear at this moment” – This is an excellent statement also. It shows that you can separate the two (The concept of eternity/ and the biochemical reaction to it). Eternal concepts do not equal Eternal Fear. I can’t go into to much detail here on that subject, but I will leave a clue. Through generations of evolution as humans, we generally view life and death as humbling or fearful subjects. Rare is it ever to see a God/s in various religious texts as anything but dignified, Solemn, Angry, Disappointed, but rarely humurous, fun, jovial, or friend. This has taken a toll on our epigenetics in such a way as to lead to a fairly dark view of eternal concepts.

          Just imagine if a bible opened up with something like” And God created the Sun, The Earth, The Animals, and Man, but did not create toilet paper, ” So the Almighty could get the chance to say the first humans ” God helps those who help themselves” . while trying not to break out laughing. 😉 In other words, we have been equipped with fairly inadequate tools as a species to go beyond… Existence is not eternal darkness

  4. Sir, please please please, before I open the Pandora’s box, although I think it’s already open, can you tell me that this awful dreadful fear can be overcome? I want you to say ‘yes’ of course but I need the truth. So please before I carry on reading, is it possible to overcome this fear? Kind regards, dawn, London

    • I have been communicating on this subject now for about 30 years. Back when the internet was still in its infancy. Initially throwing SOS flares into the digital world, then forming eternalist.org back in 2001. Over 6 years all I encountered was an accomplished artist, and a NASA neurologist that had this concept issue.

      All three of us, had developed adaptive skills that neutralized any despair associated with being able to conceive no end, no beginning. After 6 years though, and only 3 of us detected, I dropped the site.

      Then I noticed that more people were surfacing. However, instead of them being scene as gifted. There were being deemed, and convinced they were sick. Often Isolated, drugged, and admonished by those who can’t see as they do. Locking them in a state of despair until their behavior can me modified in a more societal conducive, and predictable state. Teaching them to deny themselves this gifted sight.

      So, to answer your question in truth YES. You may not understand yet, but you will. When you see existence (as you do) often everything that others had instilled in you, to define your purpose is deconstructed. Breaking the illusion, leaving you emotionally naked, vulnerable, and undefined.

      Even though it may be painful now. Like a Butterfly emerging from a cocoon. When you make existence you partner, and not your fear. It will be you who defines yourself this time, and not the meanderings of a fearful insecure society.

      I know it’s hard now, but I am not going anywhere, (This time) Meaning I am fully committed to all of us who are emerging out of the shadows. (Oooh That sounds cool, and Dramatic ) 😉 Ralph Turchiano

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